An In Body Experience

June 30, 2008

 

I had an “in body” experience today.  I think the problem is that I have been having an out of body experience for about the past 8 years.  Let me explain.  At some point eight years ago I stopped looking in the mirror.  Usually, if you go by a mirror you check yourself out.  At minimum you give yourself the do I have anything smeared across my face look as you pass one by.  I’m not sure when, but I stopped doing that.  I concentrate only on what I need to see.  I look at my eyes if I need to see if I have mascara smeared under them.  I look at just my hair when I am styling it.  The only time I see a true reflection is when I look at a picture of myself.  I have even gone through the efforts of avoiding said pictures even being taken because my subconscious knows that I really don’t want to see what I look like now.

 

Today, I had to look at a picture of myself because we were picking the proofs of photos for work from a professional shoot.  At first it was the “Who is that a picture of?”  Then was the “Oh shit that’s me!” response.  I sat there in shock.  How did I get that way?  When did this happen?  For the past 8 years I have imagined myself stuck in the not fat but not skinny and comfortably happy with myself me.  I know the clothes I buy are bigger.  I know that my butt doesn’t fit in an airplane seat as comfortably as it used to.  But I didn’t know that I looked like that! 

 

I wanted to cry.  I wanted to go take a nap for a year.  I wanted to cut off a leg to lose some weight immediately.  I at least snapped to my senses a little when I thought, “Hey, come on now.  You’d just be a fat person with one leg.  That’s not going to help anything.” 

 

Now what?  What am I going to do about it?  I don’t know.  I know that I need to exercise.  I know I need to eat better.  I know that I need to stop smoking and drinking.  I know that if I look like this on the outside then my insides have to be a complete mess.  I know that I hate to diet.  I know that I am on blood pressure medicine at age 36.  I know that exercise is hard work for me.  I know that I bought an elliptical a year and half ago and have only used it once for the purpose it is intended to fill.  I know that I love food.  I know that I want to be around for a long time to see my kids grow up and lead great lives.  I know that when I exercise I do lose weight.  I know that I am tired ALL OF THE TIME.  I know that I feel busy ALL OF THE TIME.  I know that this all sucks.

 

What else have I been missing over the past 8 years while having my out of body experience?

 

Now what? 

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Tags: in body experience, mirror, Now what, out of body experience, self discovery